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The Interview From Hell!

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Today I was interviewed for a LIVE BROADCAST on a New York City radio show.
Here’s how it went.

As I wait to be interviewed, I hear them introduce the guest before me. Then
all of a sudden that guest is connected to my phone line and not to the radio
interviewer and we are wondering what is going on! Then the radio techs
figure out their problem and connect him to the show.

Then, after his interview, the host comes to me and calls me “Roger” (my name
is John), and asks me a question that has nothing to do with me or my book.
In a calm way, I tell him he must have his interview sheets mixed up. I tell
him my name. So I have no formal introduction and listeners have no idea who
I am or that I wrote a book or what the name of the book is.

Then he asks me a question and I am to answer it the best I can. And then he
is silent. So I keep talking. And he is silent (obviously he is trying to
figure out what is going on). So I try to keep talking. And he is still
silent. I don’t even know if I am on the air, so I ask, “Gary?” and he says,”Yes, I’m here.”

Then he asks me about how I clear my nasal sinuses. Obviously this is not a
question meant for me. So I tell him that the question must be for the next
guest. And this is being broadcast LIVE in NEW YORK! Then someone begins to
knock on my front door. Loudly! So I shut the door of the room I am in and
the door slams. Loudly! Then there is someone making noise next to the wall
outside of the room I am in. It is the fix-it man, Mr. Buttcrack. He is there
to rebuild the water heater closet that is located next to the room that I am
in. Why didn’t I know about this? Of course, I can’t do anything about it at
this point. I am on the radio LIVE in NEW YORK! So he starts pounding apart
the water heater closet. Loudly!

Meanwhile the neighbor, Miss Iwannaseducesomebody, decides that Mr. Buttcrack
is going to be her target for the day and she is out there trying to strike
up a conversation with him. And I am hoping the radio listeners in New York
can’t hear this. Meanwhile another neighbor’s two pit bulls start barking at
some cats. And the mail carrier shows up and tries to calm the cats down from
where they are (up in the tree) as the dogs continue to bark. Right then, the
gardener shows up and starts cutting the grass with the loud lawnmower, and
the cable company guys arrive and go underneath the house–right under the
floor of the room I am in! The cable guys start talking LOUDLY in Spanish to
their female supervisor who speaks Korean.

Meanwhile, as all this is going on, the guy on the radio keeps calling me”Roger” and continues to flub his questions. I forget I have connected the
fax machine to the line I am on and it turns on all by itself for no reason
at all and makes a squealy fax noise loudly broadcast LIVE to radio listeners
in NEW YORK as I scramble to hold the phone and run across the room to turn
the fax off, as the interviewer finally gets my name right, as the interview
ends, and he NEVER mentions the name of my book!

And the dogs are barking as the Korean lady is talking to the Spanish guys
under the house as I hear Mr. Buttcrack telling Miss Iwannaseducesomebody
that he has electric charm as the postal carrier is calling the cats to come
down out of the tree as I am hoping that this didn’t really happen. *#$@!

John McCabe is the author of Surgery Electives: What to Know Before the
Doctor Operates
and Plastic Surgery Hopscotch: A Resource Guide for Those
Considering Cosmetic Surgery
. He is a former radio newswriter. He has also
been involved in screenwriting. His books are published by Carmania Books,
located in Santa Monica, California. He can be reached at PO Box 1272, Santa
Monica, CA 90406-1272; e-mail: thejmccabe@aol.com.

This article is from thePMA Newsletterfor March, 1997, and is reprinted with permission of Publishers Marketing Association.

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